


These ghosts that haunt us

by Mimisempai



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Angst with a Happy Ending, Flower Language, Fluff and Smut, Getting Together, Ghosts, M/M, Mild Angst, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, mention of Drew's Householder death, mention of Sonny's mother abortion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:54:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27154805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimisempai/pseuds/Mimisempai
Summary: Some time after Rafael's return, relations between him and Sonny are rather tense, they don't know how to talk to each other anymore.They meet one evening in a cemetery, which they both come to visit for different reasons.It will take the action of two little ghosts who will turn into cupids for them to get closer and finally talk to each other ...
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 33
Collections: Barisi Creatures Bingo





	These ghosts that haunt us

**Author's Note:**

> The death of baby Drew and the abortion of Sonny's mother are mentioned in this story. I have tried to be as sensitive as possible on this topic. But I want to mention it here so that you are warned. If for any reason this has not been the case, please do not hesitate to come and talk to me about it. I am still a baby writer that's why i am prone to fall or miss a step...  
> I hope you'll enjoy this reading.

It was a winter evening the way Sonny liked it, cool and invigorating, but clear enough that when Sonny looked up, he could see the stars in the night sky. Usually it was mid-October when he would come to the small cemetery, but his office had been overloaded, which delayed the visit and it was now late December. 

Bella, his sister, used to come with Sonny. It had been their little ritual for 5 years. Afterwards, they would finish the evening at a nearby pub, and drink to the memory of absent friends and family. It was strange to be here alone, but with Bella being 6 months pregnant, he didn't want to add to her physical fatigue and emotional stress. Especially since this ritual was something Sonny had come up with. 

Some years ago, his mother had told him that she had to abort a little boy who wouldn't have survived if born. He was the only one to know her secret. Sonny had felt immense sadness for his mother and for the little brother he would never know. That's why he had wanted to do something, a little memorial for the one who could have been his little brother. His mother had told him that his name would have been Alessandro. So Sonny had paid for a small tombstone and every now and then he would come to visit and talk to his little brother about his life. Five years ago Bella had come across him as he was leaving his apartment with a small bouquet of flowers, and of course as he couldn't lie to her, he told her everything, relieved to take some of the burden off his shoulders. Since then, even though Sonny went there regularly throughout the year, they made the trip to the cemetery together every year at the same time.

Sonny was happy for Bella's happiness and the new nephew who was going to join the family, but that didn't stop him from missing Bella tonight. This year he couldn't soothe the strange pain that built up in his chest every time something reminded him that he was alone. When he was busy at work, the minutes, hours and days passed, but here in this quiet cemetery where time seemed to stand still, the pain intensified. He felt alone, even though he would never admit it to anyone.

At times like this, Sonny felt the absence of a partner very acutely. He missed finding a connection like the one that existed between his parents, or Bella and Tommy. Most of the time he was happy with his life, he enjoyed the company of his friends, the evenings at Forlini’s and the warmth of the evenings with Amanda and the girls. However, when he had too much free time, he yearned for a different kind of connection with someone. He made friends easily and got along well with his co-workers at work, but when it came to romance, nothing ever seemed to work.

His workload was increasing, and after several months of boring dinners and stilted conversations, Sonny had given up on finding a suitable partner altogether. Most of his love life came from his daydreams, his sexual pleasure from the few nights off when he had a moment to himself. He stopped his thoughts and forced himself out of this gloomy mood. He entered the cemetery, the small wrought iron gate closed and creaked behind him.

As he approached, he noticed a lonely silhouette in front of his little brother's tombstone. He stopped, breathless. Returning to the shadows, he watched the person who stood up after touching the tombstone. The man was dressed in thin black pants and a puffy coat that vaguely reminded him of someone, but against the tide, seeing only the drawn shape, he could not distinguish who it might be.

"Stop lurking in the shadows, Carisi." A familiar voice broke the silence of the night, "I would have thought that a former cop who had worked undercover would be better at hiding."

"Barba?" With a hint of annoyance, Sonny walked to the grave and was greeted by a scowling face. "What are you doing here?"

"We're in a cemetery, what do you think I'm doing here?"

Sonny crossed his arms, studying Barba with a frown on his own face. After leaving his ADA position 4 years ago, Barba had taken a year's sabbatical and was now a law professor. This wasn't the first time Sonny had seen him since his departure; Liv had invited him to Forlini’s a few times. It was just the first time he was alone with him.

Sonny didn't know how to act with him anymore. The situation was tense between them. Sonny couldn't help but be a little angry with him, not because of what he had done, but because of the way he had left. He had come to regard Barba as his friend, and the fact that he left without saying a word hurt him deeply, even though deep down Sonny knew he had no right to feel that way. As for Barba, he seemed to resent Sonny's coldness. They were back to square one, no longer Sonny and Rafael, but Carisi and Barba, full of resentment and exchanges as acidic as in the beginning of their relationship. 

Sonny swallowed the lump in his throat, looking at the name on the tombstone and pinching his lips, determined not to collapse in front of Barba who didn't seem to have any intention of leaving. He liked to talk to his little brother, but he couldn't really do that with Barba around. He finally turned around and took a look. "Would it kill you to give me a moment?"

Barba sniffed disdainfully. "The cemetery is public property."

Sonny took a small candle out of his pocket, lit it and placed it next to the stone. He watched the flame flicker and ripple in the breeze.

"It may be public property, but this is my little brother’s grave. Why do you always make things so difficult? I'm not asking for the moon! What are you doing here anyway?"

"Nothing that concerns you," Barba answered firmly. "It's not because you come here regularly that I don't have the right to be here too. I can assure you that I didn't feel like having company either."

"You seem to be keeping a close eye on what I'm doing." 

"Stop taking yourself for the center of the world! I didn't come here to bother you," replied Rafael vehemently.

"No I know, it's me who's bothering you, you've been making it clear to me since you came back that you can't stand my presence!" Sonny was more and more irritated.

"Me?! But it's you who beats me cold, who almost doesn't speak with me, as if you were angry with me for what I did!"

"Yes, I am angry, but not for what you did. I'm angry because you left without saying anything, without any consideration for our relationship!"

"What relationship? I-". Barba was cut off by a loud crack on their left and a strange sound, like a mocking laugh. The two men jumped, slightly on their guard.

"Show yourself!"

"Try saying 'please' next time. Maybe our mysterious attacker will simply surrender, if you ask politely."

"Very funny really!" Sonny hissed. 

"Calm down. It's only the wind."

Barba moved away from Sonny a little. Sonny took a moment to look at him, the agility of his movements and his strangely magnetic appearance. Barba exuded a self-confidence that Sonny felt must come with age and not caring about the opinions of others after being the object of all kinds of criticism.

Both he and Barba had lived in a way that a rustle in the shadows could not easily be dismissed. Sonny by his former job as a cop and Barba by the various death threats he had received as an ADA. 

Barba finally broke the silence. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to give you some privacy if you want it. Anyway, I should be going home soon. I guess you'll want to share all you think of me with your little brother."

"How do you know he's my little brother?"

"Well, it says here," Rafael pointed at the tombstone, " _In memory of the son and little brother that we will never know, but who is still a part of us. You will be in our hearts forever._ "

"Yeah, well. And you, why or for who were you here?"

"Penance. But I don't see how that's any of your business."

"Well, let me think about it, the cemetery's not very big, and if you saw me twice in a row, you were in that part, so I just have to look for-"

"I see, once a detective, always a detective. But I'm going to spare you so you don't overwork your brain. I was coming to that grave over there."

Sonny approached to take a closer look at the tomb that Rafael showed him, and he gulped when he saw the name on the tomb: _Drew Householder._

"It's..."

"Yes, and I don't want to talk about it."

"I understand Barba." Sonny simply put his hand on his shoulder as he walked back to his little brother's grave.

But now he didn't want to stay there anymore, he didn't want to let Barba go back alone. The lump in his throat came back.

"Don't go," Sonny finally said. "We should go back together, I'm almost finished."

"As you wish." Barba nodded and remained silent as they stood side by side and gazed at the tombstone, in honor of the little brother he would never know.

With time, the depth of his mother's grief and the loss he felt even though he had never known him had a little decreased. This ritual with Bella was once a year, but he liked to come by and choose bright, sunny days and talk to him about his work, his life, his friends. He found comfort in talking to him. When he lingered after sunset, he could swear that he heard him like a little laugh in the wind. Sometimes he liked to think that he had a guardian angel and that he was lucky because he knew his name, Alessandro.

Sonny reached out his hand and traced the letters of his little brother's first name with his fingertips, and another soft sound passed through the air, like a child's laugh. This caused Barba to move closer, his fingers wrapping around Sonny's wrist as they stood perfectly still. This was not a normal sound. It was not the same loud crackling sound as before. That was the sound Sonny had already heard on previous visits, it was as if it was moving in the air towards the two men.

Barba loosened his grip on Sonny's wrist and his eyes wandered around the cemetery before stopping again at little Drew's tombstone, which he quickly approached without saying a word to Sonny.

"Wait!" Sonny quickly followed him.

Barba stopped right in front of the stone and bent down to pick up an iris whose colors glowed in the moonlight. It was a delicate flower, and yet the wind, blowing hard, did not move it. With his skillful fingers, Barba carefully touched the flower that had no place in a cemetery on a cold winter's evening. He seemed to be immersed in silence, his face lit by the silvery glow of the moon.

"These flowers are not supposed to grow at this time of the year."

"I am aware of that, Carisi. I'm not a complete idiot."

"I never said that," replied Sonny. "It was more of a thought that I had for myself."

"Well, don't think out loud then."

"Oh, I'm sorry I exist," Sonny mumbled. He moved closer to Barba and looked at the flower.

Barba gently closed his fingers around the flower. When he opened his palm again, it was empty. And they heard the child's laughs again.  
It seemed to go in the direction of Sonny's little brother's tombstone.   
When Sonny approached the small tomb, a small red anemone was placed on the stone. Exactly like the iris on Drew's tombstone.

"But...how?” 

He heard Rafael gasp as he was coming closer.

"I have to check something."

Sonny took the flower in his hand, closed it, and when he opened it, this flower too had disappeared.

"Huh? Has this ever happened to you before? It's a little creepy."

Sonny's heart was beating in his chest. He wasn't comfortable with strange events, and he had a really weird feeling.

"No, never. And yes it's creepy. What's certain is that it's not a hallucination since we both had the same experience."  
  
"What do we do?"

"We wait a little and if nothing happens we leave."  
  
After some minutes of heavy silence, Sonny couldn't help and say: "Barba, I'm sorry I reacted that way before. I didn't mean to be hurtful. You had your reasons for leaving like that, I didn't have to question them."

Barba answered softly, "I also apologize for being annoying before. But I didn't understand your coldness, and I didn't know how to react either. Unusual coming from me I know. But I'm not very good at communicating, you know that."

"Can we start from scratch and try to move forward from there?"

"Yes, if you are willing to."

After waiting a quarter of an hour without anything happening, they finally decided to leave the cemetery and the wind calmed down again into a gentle breeze.

"What do you think those noises were?" Sonny asked."To me, it sounded like children laughing."

"It was only the wind." 

"Then how do you explain the flowers?" Sonny looked up, crossing his arms. "I'm not stupid, I know when something strange is happening. It must mean something."

"Sometimes there are unexplained things, Carisi. That's all." Barba's expression was serious. 

"I know, I'm not going to start looking for ghosts."

"When you worked as a detective, you were the most stubborn of the gang after Amaro. You couldn't let go of a case that resisted you," Barba replied, "So forgive me for not being convinced of your ability to leave the question unanswered."

He seemed to be gauging Sonny, which was not unusual. But there was a gleam of anxiety behind his eyes. He was worried, Sonny thought. Rafael Barba is worried about me. The thought made his chest tighten, a warmth creeping into him, despite the cold in the air. 

"I'm fine. I've grown up you know. I see when a case is already lost." Sonny stuffed his hands into his pockets. "I'm not going to come back here alone at night and start investigating."

"Do I have your word?" For some reason, Barba seemed very determined to make sure Sonny didn't immerse himself in the supernatural.

"Yes, I promise." Sonny tilted his head to the side, staring at Barba. "Why does it bother you so much?"

"Because I know how death can be seductive." Barba did not elaborate or share his own experiences. "You'd better find the things you need in the living and not in the dead."

"I understand." Sonny gave Barba a little smile. "But I think you have the wrong idea about me. I don't come here for morbid reasons,and it's not the first time I've heard that noise."

"And weren't you ever curious to know if there was a logical explanation?" 

"Not until today." Sonny shrugs his shoulders. "But it's okay, it's just like you said. Sometimes it's better to leave things unexplained."

"Fine." Barba sighed with relief, the tension in his shoulders eased. "I think that's wise."

"But I believe in signs," Sonny continued. "I've never seen flowers like this blooming in winter and disappearing without a trace. But I have the feeling, and you can call me crazy if you want, that whatever it was, it was trying to keep us from fighting."

"I will not call you crazy when I have the same opinion, Carisi." 

"Since we've decided to put our grievances aside, don't you think we could call each other by our first names again? You should call me Sonny and I don't want to keep calling you Barba."

"All right," Barba rolled his eyes. "You can call me Rafael, if you have to. But don't abuse the privilege."

"Of course I won't." Sonny walked the same pace as him as they went into town, leaving the cemetery behind.

"And to get back to the subject at hand, I'm not going to chase ghosts. The ghosts in my love life are more than enough for me." Sonny congratulated himself innerly for orienting the conversation in another direction.

Barba looked at Sonny and opened his mouth as if he wanted to make a comment about his love life. In the end, he seemed to change his mind, pressing his lips in a tight line and stopped.

"I'm used to having a beer at a pub nearby after visiting the grave," Sonny said. "It's a tradition."

"Very good." Rafael looked left and right before continuing, about to cross, "Enjoy your evening."

"Actually, I was asking you to join me," Sonny replied, amused. "Unless you already have plans, of course."

"I have papers to grade." Rafael gave Sonny a strange look, as if he was trying to figure out how to respond to the invitation. "I've already spent more time away from home than I expected, and it's late."

"Maybe next time then." Sonny tried not to look too disappointed. He pulled up his jacket and took out his gloves, putting them on to get ready to walk. He was freezing, but he needed the cold to cool down, so he went in the opposite direction of Rafael. "See you soon, I hope."

"Are you going to walk home in this cold?"

"I'm just going to walk to the next subway station."

"Aren't you going to drink a beer in a pub nearby anymore?" Rafael's voice was surprisingly soft. "I thought it was a tradition."

"There's always next year. I don't like to drink alone."

"Very wise," Rafael whispered. He put a warm hand on Sonny's glove. "I can't accompany you on this occasion, but I have a bottle of wine if you want to join me for a nightcap."

"Really?" Sonny was sure there was something weird in the air. The night still had an electric quality and even Rafael seemed slightly shocked by his own offer, although it was his. "Are you inviting me to come home with you?"

"I’m inviting you to have a nightcap. I have no ulterior motive."

"Ulterior motive... ?" He swallowed, a wave of heat rose in his cheeks, his eyes fell on Rafael's crotch. Dazed, he desperately searched for an answer before things became more awkward than they already were. "I didn't think you were asking me to come for sex or anything else. I'm just surprised that you welcome me into your bed - your home."

"Please stop talking." Rafael pinched the bridge of his nose. "Maybe this was a bad idea..."

Sonny tried to stop the flow of his thoughts by wondering if he had really said "sex and in your bed" to Rafael Barba. Within earshot of his little brother, who, judging by tonight's events, was probably listening. Holy shit. That was embarrassing. "No, I want to come. To your house, I mean, not..."

Sonny walked away, miserable. It was awful. It was no wonder he couldn't find anyone to go out with.

"I understand that." Rafael turned his laughter into a polite cough, doing a bad job of masking his amusement. He was standing awfully close. "I suggest we get on our way."

"Yeah. Perfect."

They walked to Rafael's apartment. There was no need to be so close, but Sonny didn't complain, after all it was very cold and human warmth helped. The rich, musky scent of Rafael's cologne was deliciously enticing, which didn't spoil anything. 

He closed his eyes to smell the fragrance and then held his breath, remembering who he was standing next to.

When Sonny arrived at Barba's, he took off his shoes, following Rafael's example. He put his jacket on a coat rack near the door and his shoes next to Rafael's, and as he stood up, he looked around.

The whole thing gave an impression of comfort, it smelled of books, coffee and that smell that was Rafael's own. It was well insulated because there was almost no outside noise, which gave the impression of a cocoon. 

Sonny looked out of the window, curious, "It's quiet. As if we were on top of the world. "

"I wouldn't go that far." Rafael laughed, the unexpected sound was rich and warm. "But it's true that I'm well preserved from external chaos. Stop staring out the window like a nosy neighbor and make yourself useful." 

Rafael handed Sonny a bottle of wine. "I have to mark papers, I didn't lie. You can open it and make sure the fire doesn't die. Avoid burning the flat down with your grand gestures."

"I think I can be trusted not to burn the flat house down if you leave me alone for five minutes." Sonny rolled his eyes. "Go and do what you have to do. I'm not going anywhere."

"All right." Rafael left the room and after opening the wine, Sonny took the opportunity to look around.

The living room was comfortable and neat, a two-seater sofa covered with a plaid throw next to a worn-out leather armchair with a few cushions. The shelves were filled with books and on a small table next to the sofa were a fountain pen and reading glasses resting on a folded newspaper. A black-and-white photograph of Barba's mother and a clock occupied the mantelpiece, along with a few postcards.

Sonny looked over his shoulder for Rafael, but there was no sign of him. Taking the opportunity to satisfy his curiosity, Sonny took a quick look at the names on the postcards. There was one from Liv and the squad and a few people whose names Sonny didn't recognize. 

He paused when he reached the end of the shelf. Right in the middle of the row of cards, he saw his own face smiling back at him. Sonny picked up the squad's Christmas card and looked at the picture. He remembered the Christmas of the previous year, when Liv had insisted that Sonny be in the picture as well, even though he was no longer on the team. They greeted the camera with laughter. The idea that Rafael would display such a card is unexpected, to say the least.

Sonny stood there for a long time with the card in his hand, contemplating the fire, lost in his reverie. He was startled by Rafael's voice, and looking at the clock in the fireplace, he realized that he had stood there like that for half an hour. That explained Rafael's return.

"If you're done snooping," Rafael commented humorously.

"I'm sorry." Sonny was startled, putting the card back on the mantle. "You have a card from the squad on display..."

"Yes." Rafael took a look at the card. "Seeing you all wearing your charming smiles was the highlight of my year."

"I'm sure it was."   
Sonny sat on the sofa; the room was beautiful and warm as the heat from the fire had begun to spread. 

Rafael handed Sonny a glass and took the bottle, pouring a generous measure for the two of them. "Is there something you wish to ask me?"

"No, I'm just surprised there isn't a card from Derek Strauss," he felt Rafael's eyes on him, and he made a grimace. "He made me think there was something going on between you two when you were in the D.A.'s office. He seemed pretty proud of that."

"I see." Rafael looked amused. "I didn't sleep with him, if that's what you're getting at. We had a drink, he made a pass at me, and I rejected it. Nothing happened."

"Oh." A flood of pleasure ran through Sonny. "I went out for a drink with him once. He's a bit of a dickhead."

"I couldn't agree more," replied Rafael. He sat down in the chair with a satisfied sigh. "Has he had more success with you?"

"No." The heat went up to Sonny's cheeks and he avoided Rafael's gaze. "He didn't even try it with me."

"Even more stupid," Rafael whispered."The man is clearly an idiot."

Sonny looked up and met Rafael's gaze. There was a warmth behind his eyes that made Sonny's heart beat a little faster.

"Do you work here often?" Sonny looked at the door where Rafael had disappeared earlier...

"Only at night." Rafael shook his head. "It's a small, quiet room, and to mark papers and prepare my lectures, I don't need more. The rest of the time, as I have student reception hours, when I am not teaching, I use my office at the university.”

"I expected to see more papers and books everywhere."

"I like to have my apartment tidy in case I receive guests," Rafael replied.

"Do you receive a lot of guests?"

"Not as a rule." Rafael frowned at Sonny, "I'm not the type to bring casual acquaintances into my home."

"What am I then?" Sonny held his breath, eager for an answer.

"Time will tell," Rafael replied. He took a sip of his wine. "I can't quite figure you out."

"Have you ever tried?" Sonny sounded surprised.   
He studied Rafael who answered, "I never see you alone. By the way, I stopped by my ex-office the other day."

"You came to my office?" Sonny got the impression that Rafael was more interested in him than he was letting on. This thought once again warmed his cheeks. "You probably saw, all the plants are dead."

"It was depressing to see." Rafael took another sip of his wine. "I almost brought some here to take care of them."

"Feel free." Sonny glowed, partly because now he had the perfect excuse to contact Rafael just in case. 

Rafael studied his hand without looking at Sonny. "According to Carmen, you're overwhelmed with work, because in addition to SVU stuff, you take cases that other people don't want."

Sonny shrugged. "What I can do, I do."

"And you like it like that?" Rafael seemed really interested, studying Sonny with curiosity.

"Yes, of course." 

It suited him to take this kind of case when the opportunity arose, but not because he especially wanted to. By taking these cases that nobody wanted, it made him feel like he was really making a difference compared to the SVU cases that rarely ended well. And if he was honest, the more work he had, the longer he delayed going home alone to an empty house.

"You don't seem so sure of yourself," Rafael remarked.

"I don't know." With a frown, Sonny continued. "I like to be busy. It's not like there's someone else home, so I take the jobs that no one else wants."

"I see." Rafael did not seem at all shocked by Sonny's revelation. "Did it ever occur to you that this workaholism might be one of the reasons why you're having trouble finding a partner? I assume from your previous comments that this is what you are looking for".

"It's what I'm looking for." Sonny nodded vigorously. "It's what I've wanted for ages, but most of my dates are a disaster. I haven't dated anyone in months. I might as well give up."

"Nonsense. You're an attractive man in his early 40s, with a strong moral compass, you're highly respected by your peers and colleagues, you've got a good job and you're smart."

"So what's the trap?" Sonny asked. "If I'm so brilliant."

"I didn't say you were brilliant." Barba rolled his eyes. "The problem is that you're an idiot with a gift for melodrama. The Sonny Carisi I knew wouldn't give up, and yet here you are, throwing in the towel after a few bad experiences with women or men who were probably terrible choices for you.”

"They weren't terrible, thank you." Sonny looked at Rafael quickly and looked back down again."Does it bother you that I like men and women?" he asked, meeting Rafael's gaze.

Rafael looked momentarily surprised by the question, then his face returned to its usual implacable mask.

"Why on earth would I mind the possible gender of people who receive your clumsy attempts at romance?"

"Clumsy attempts..." Sonny burst out laughing. "You're such an asshole."

"That's what I'm led to believe." Rafael smiled and continued, "I'm less concerned about who my partners might be interested in and more about keeping them interested in me."

"Do you have a partner right now?" Sonny looked around the room, looking for signs of someone else. The whole place had such a Barba-like air, he couldn't imagine that there would be a regular visitor, but he would still appreciate confirmation. 

"Not at this particular minute, no," says Rafael purring quietly. "However, the night is still young. Who can say what might happen in the next hour?"

Before Sonny could answer, Rafael rose abruptly. He filled their glasses and left the room without another word.

Sonny took a sip of this delicious wine and sat down on the couch with his head spinning. He had the distinct impression that Rafael Barba was flirting with him. What was even more disconcerting, Sonny realized that he liked it.

When Rafael returned, he put music on the CD player in the corner of the room. It was quiet enough not to interrupt the conversation, but a little background noise was welcome. Rafael did not seem in a hurry to get Sonny to leave, and Sonny settled into the couch with a satisfied sigh.

"I only have a few papers left, I'll mark them in the morning." Rafael took a sip of his wine and put the glass next to the armchair.

"Do you always work this late?" Sonny asked.

"Says the man who takes on more cases than he should."

Sonny laughed, his eyes turned to the squad card. "Did Liv tell you that?"

"No, it wasn't Liv." Rafael shook his head. "It was Carmen when I went to see you."

"Of course it was. I was glad she stayed to work with me."

"Yes, she's very good." Rafael sank into the chair and spread his legs in front of him. "She speaks very highly of you."

"She does?" Sonny was a little distracted by the way Rafael seemed so comfortable. Sitting here with him now, a hot flush ran through Sonny at the thought of his power, his experience. Despite his clumsy attempts at romance, as Rafael would say, Sonny has had little success with men. He has had relationships with women and although he likes men, he has not had the opportunity to do anything. The idea of being with Rafael settled with warmth and persistence in the depths of his belly, a tug of desire that made him pinch his lip between his teeth.

Trying to think of something else, Sonny remembered how Rafael reacted to the strange noises at the cemetery, how they both instinctively anticipated something. There are some things you can't explain to people, things that someone like Rafael already understood. Encouraged by the wine and the comfortable company of the moment, Sonny decided to ask Rafael what was weighing on him, something he never talked about.

"Do you ever feel haunted?" Sonny asked.

Sonny squeezed his glass of wine tightly, hoping that Rafael would not dismiss his question as stupid. He knew very well that he wasn't stupid - even if Rafael said so - but the question was important. He didn't want Rafael to taunt him or reject it. He wanted to understand and be understood. Fortunately, Rafael did not laugh. He simply narrowed his eyes and took a moment before answering.

"Are you asking me if there are poltergeists in my house or if I hear things bumping around in the night?"

"No." Sonny shook his head. "That's not what I'm asking."

"Ah." Rafael spun his wine in his glass. "Then yes. I've had years to exorcise the worst of my demons, but it would be hard for a man with my past not to feel anything but at times. I guess my ghosts are different from yours."

"Not all of them," said Sonny. He thought of the strange displaced flowers that had bloomed on the ground near little Drew's and Alessandro's graves. "Some of them are the same."

"They are." A smile appeared on Rafael's lips. "Then maybe they just haunt us differently."

Sonny's brain was buzzing, something unknown was vibrating in his heart. It was the kind of question he rarely dwelt on, the kind of thing he refused to express out loud. Sitting with someone who understood - instinctively - what he wanted to say warmed his heart.

"I've never told anyone that I felt that way sometimes. It's like the air is getting heavy around me. It may seem strange because I didn't know him, I wasn't even aware of his presence when he was in my mother's womb. But the lack is still there. So I tell myself that maybe what I hear or see is just what I want to see or hear, and sometimes I hope it's really a manifestation of his presence." Sonny was surprised by the warm tears that came to his eyes and he wiped them with the back of his hand with a hint of irritation, taking a moment to swallow the unexpected strength of the emotion. "I don't know if they are ghosts or angels."

Rafael observed Sonny with a piercing, dark look. "I don't find it weird. I go to the grave out of guilt, or rather to seek the certainty that what I did was right. I need that certainty and I know I'll never get it, even if my instincts tell me deep down inside that I did the right thing."  
  
"I never realized it until today, but what you did, the decision you made is the same as the one my mother made. And how could this not be devoid of malignancy since both of you had one only goal in mind, that a child should not suffer."

Another wave of emotion fell upon him, stealing the breath from his lungs. When he spoke again, his voice wavered. "Sometime I can feel him next to me when things get tough. He shines like a star. "  
  
They remained silent for long minutes to give themselves time to digest everything they had said to each other.

Without comment, Rafael stood up and walked towards the CD player. He turned the music up a little and approached Sonny, reaching out his hand. 

"I don't know how to dance." Sonny stood up anyway, his heart beating to a restless melody. "I have two left feet."

"Then let me teach you," Rafael whispered. His voice was deep and rich, his breath warm on Sonny's skin.

"All right.” Sonny's voice weakened and he pressed himself against Rafael. Against him Rafael was warm, strong and smelled so good. "It should be okay. After all, it's a slow dance."

Rafael squeezed his arms around Sonny. "It's useless to get exhausted so early in the evening."

Sonny swallowed the suggestion of more energetic activities to come, the heat traveling through his body and leaving his skin tingling. He closed his eyes and, in a bold moment, rested his head against Rafael's head. He didn't need to think about stepping on someone's toes. All he had to do was trust the reassuring hand at the base of his spine, get close and follow the steady swaying of the music as it went up and down. They fit together perfectly, and Sonny's body reacted eagerly to the closeness and the delicious, stunning scent of Rafael. The way Rafael held Sonny with great ease made his head spin.

"Rafael?" Sonny stepped back just a little and met Rafael's green eyes. The intensity of his gaze was enough to make Sonny weak in the knees. "What else are you going to teach me?"

Rafael moistened his lips, a gleam of surprise crossing his features followed by an obvious hunger.

"That depends." Rafael's voice was strong, his finger lightly touched Sonny's jaw, his eyes fell to his lips. "What do you want to learn?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"I had the impression..."

"No," Sonny interrupted. The heat was rising in his cheeks, even though he knew he had no reason to be embarrassed by his inexperience. "There's never been anything like it. Not with another man. Just a few bad dates and a fight with some idiot who thought I was a gigolo."

"How boring." Rafael laughed under his breath. "There are men who might consider such a thing as excellent preliminaries."

"Certain men?" Sonny smiled and approached with a boldness he was far from feeling. "What else do you consider foreplay?"

"Several things," Rafael whispered. He used his fingers to tilt Sonny's head a little and brushed his lips against Sonny’s neck. "Encounters with the supernatural. A glass of wine and good conversation by an open fire..."

"Mmm." Sonny gave Rafael better access to his neck, his breathing shattered. "Yeah, that works for me."

"A slow dance." Rafael moved his lips along Sonny's jaw, his breath warm. "This."

Rafael pushed one hand through Sonny's hair and brought their lips together. Despite the gentle kisses on Sonny's jaw and neck, there was nothing gentle about the way Rafael kissed him when their lips finally joined. The brilliant, penetrating force of that kiss made Sonny moan. His whole body was alive and energized, the discouragement he had felt at the beginning of the evening being completely driven away by the sliding of Rafael's tongue against his own. He didn't want to stop kissing and at the same time he was in a hurry to do everything he could with Rafael.

In his eagerness, Sonny put his hands in Rafael's sweater, pulling him closer and closer. The movement almost made them tip over on the sofa before they both straightened up, moving away from each other. It was strange to see Rafael like that, his eyes searching Sonny's face for a sign that they could continue.

I kissed Rafael Barba, Sonny thought. I kissed Rafael Barba.

Sonny had no indication that Rafael wanted to do it again. He wished he had more experience. He didn't want to think that Rafael wanted a more experienced partner. His brain became agitated when he tried to remember what it was like in the movies he watched, the only real experience he had of men fucking. It seemed that he wasn't the only one who was aroused by the kiss, seeing the tempting bulge in Rafael's pants. He knelt down and slid his hand over Rafael's thighs and then began to open the buckle on his belt.

"Sonny.” Rafael stopped, his voice amused but not cruel. "Come back here, you idiot."

"Have I done something wrong?" With a frown, Sonny stood up again. 

"No you haven't." Rafael kissed him again. It was a deep kiss, which melted the bones and went through Sonny's whole body. Rafael really knew how to use his mouth and tongue so that a simple kiss would look more pornographic than anything Sonny had ever seen. 

"You're going to have to help me because I'm completely lost honestly." Sonny wondered how many times an evening it was possible to feel like a complete idiot.

"The way things are going, I'm offering you a bigger playground, because I think we're going to need more room than my two-seater couch."

The thought of where the things were going, made Sonny shiver with pleasure. He would be lucky if he managed to get into the room without coming if Rafael kept talking.

"Where's the bedroom?" Sonny reluctantly put some distance between them, finally finding his voice again.

"This way." Rafael put one hand on Sonny's lower back and pointed to the door. "And Sonny?"

"Yes?" Sonny turned to meet Rafael's amused gaze.

"Don't think for a moment that this means I have no interest in your first idea at some point. You're quite captivating on your knees."

Gulping, Sonny followed the directions to the bedroom as fast as he could when he was so hard.

Rafael's bedroom was tidy, with a double bed in the middle. Like the living room, it was sparsely decorated but despite its simplicity, the room was comfortable and intimate. Just standing at the entrance turned Sonny's stomach with anticipation.

He didn't have to wait long, as Rafael closed the door behind him and pressed Sonny's back against it, kissing him.

Rafael slipped a hand under Sonny's sweater, his fingers grazing his waist. He opened the buckle of Sonny's jeans brushing the bulge of Sonny's cock under the thick jeans. 

"Rafael." Sonny's head fell back against the door with a thud, his breath driven from his lungs by the slow slide of his jeans opening. 

"Just-" Sonny moaned, Rafael's light touch of fingers on his cock through the cotton of his brief made him curl his hands into fists. "Do something, will you? I'm gonna come before you take my jeans off at this rate."

"Okay, then. I guess we should probably take off the edge."

Sonny was about to ask if he should move to the bed when Rafael got down on his knees, pushed Sonny's jeans to his knees and took him in his mouth.

In a desperate move, Sonny put his hand through Rafael's hair and tried to stand up straight. His body was throbbing with excitement, the pleasure almost overwhelming. He leaned forward and groaned as Rafael used a free hand to hold him effectively against the door. It turned out that Rafael could use his mouth for more than just a kiss. The combination of Rafael's touch and the way he held Sonny firmly in place left his knees weak. Every time Rafael's tongue brushed the head of his dick, Sonny's mind melted. Instead of his usual quick orgasm, it crept through him, spreading and expanding over his skin, his body throbbing with desire.

In the end, it was the pressure of Rafael's long fingers on the fleshy globes of Sonny's buttocks that tipped him over. He tried to make Rafael understand that he was coming, but Rafael didn't move an inch. Sonny's orgasm caught him in a moment of blinding intensity, and with a cry of surprise, it flowed into Rafael's mouth. 

As the heat of his orgasm faded, Sonny let out a low, jagged moan and blinked, trying to catch his breath. It took all his strength to stand upright instead of collapsing to the ground.

When Rafael got up, Sonny took off his jeans and shorts and staggered to collapse on the bed. When he had fully recovered, he straightened up and met Rafael's amused gaze.

"So much for making it to the bed" Sonny whispered.

"I can't help it if you're irresistible." 

It would take some time to get used to the way Rafael talked during sex, hoping it wouldn't be the only time.

Rafael took off his sweater and socks, left his pants on and joined Sonny on the bed. "May I take it off?"

"Yes," Sonny mumbled. He put his head on the pillow and watched Rafael slowly take off his sweater, raising his arms and pulling it over his head. The fresh air against Sonny's skin hardened his nipples.

"Come on."

Sonny grabbed Rafael and pulled him down in another delicious kiss. He lingered on the kiss and tasted the salty flavour of his climax on Rafael's lips. The combination was almost enough for him to be ready to do it again, although he was sure that his cock had other ideas, at least for now.

"Tired?" Rafael withdrew and brushed Sonny's fringe where it stuck to his wet skin.

"A little." Sonny nodded, yawning. "But what about you?"

He made a gesture to show Rafael's crotch.

"Don't worry about that. As you can see..." Sonny took a look closer and could see a wet stain on the crotch of Rafael's trousers.

He said, "Oh..."

"I told you, irresistible..."

"Rest, if you wish." Rafael lifted up the comforter and encouraged Sonny to get underneath it before settling down against him. "We have all night."

"Do we have more than this night?" Sonny asked, a trembling hope blossoming in his heart.

Sonny didn't know if he was awake or dreaming when Rafael finally answered long minutes later.

"I am yours for as long as you have me."

About an hour later, Sonny opened his eyes and found Rafael reading next to him. He blinked and he smiled, looking at the reading glasses on his nose and the angular line of his jaw.

"Is your energy fully restored?" Without looking up, Rafael turned the page.

"I would say yes." Sonny pressed his lips to Rafael's chest, a little embarrassed by his inability to stay awake. "It's been a long week and I was exhausted. I don't usually sleep much."

"I'm not complaining." Rafael closed his book after marking the page. He took off his glasses and placed them on the side. He turned to Sonny. "There will be other nights, if you want..."

"I want it." Sonny swallowed, studying Rafael. "What about tonight?"

"There's tonight too." Rafael nodded. "You look like you're dying to ask me something."

"No, I'm not." Sonny frowned. He rolled onto his back and sighed. "Maybe I am. Are you going to ask me to leave before morning?"

"No, of course not."

"I told you I suck at dating."

"I can't complain about this date."

"Are we on a date?" Sonny ran his fingers across Rafael's chest and saw his breathing accelerate. 

"It looks like it, even though it was improvised."

Sonny gave Rafael what he hoped would be a very sexy look, although from the movement of Rafael's lips, he's not sure it was totally successful. "That nap did the trick."

"I'm glad to hear it." Rafael pushed Sonny away with a light flick of his fingers as he leaned in for a kiss. "Before we continue, let me be clear. I don't fuck for the sake of fucking. If I don't see potential with someone outside the bedroom, I'd rather not fuck at all."

"I am the same." Sonny shivered with joy at the way Rafael said "fuck" in his sweet, dirty voice. He started exploring Rafael's chest again, zigzagging his way down. "I've never been good at playing it cool."

"Of course not, you're Sonny." Rafael immobilized Sonny's hand before he could go below. "Your enthusiasm for diving headfirst into things is - in this context - at least one of your charms. You do realize that I've been flirting with you all evening, I hope?"

"I'm beginning to understand." Sonny laid down on the bed with a satisfied sigh. "I'm naked under here, Rafael."

"It hadn't escaped me." Rafael stood up and unbuckled his belt. "It seems right to me to join you."

Sonny nods, mouth watering. "Please."

"Are you going to just stare at me?" Rafael stopped as he opened his belt.

"Absolutely." Sonny looked up to get a better view. Rafael rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath before quickly removing his trousers.

Then Rafael laid down beside him and leaned over to kiss him. Despite the fact that they were both naked, there was something tender about the kiss, one more promise. Sonny's stomach turned with the same anticipation he had felt when he entered Rafael's room. This is what he had wanted to find for so long. Someone to fuck late at night, who knew almost all of his story. Someone who knew more than the best way to turn Sonny on, who instinctively stood by his side, ready to fight, when strange ghosts moved in the shadows.

Rafael would probably call him a sentimental idiot, but Sonny had never been more convinced that everything that happened tonight was destined to happen. Everything seemed to point solidly in the same direction.

Then Rafael turned Sonny around and held him close. Sonny thought it was a little strange that Rafael was the big spoon in regard of their size, but at the same time he felt so at ease with him, like two pieces fitting together. Rafael grabbed the comforter and covered them both. He placed his chin in Sonny's neck, placed a kiss on it before resting his head on the pillow. Sonny, with his heart beating in his chest, listened to Rafael's breathing slowing down and taking on the regular rhythm of people falling asleep.

When he was certain that Rafael was not awake, Sonny ran his finger gently over Rafael's arm that was around him, chest tight and heart full enough to burst.

"I'm yours as long as you have me," he whispered.

Rafael responded with a slight grunt and Sonny felt a smile against his hair.

_____

When he woke up and opened his eyes, he saw with wonder on the bedside table, the two little flowers that had disappeared. 

He whispered, "Rafael...Rafael" and elbowed him lightly.

Rafael grunted, "What...?"

"Look, look!"

He felt Rafael's gasp.

Then they heard the same sound as the night before in the cemetery. Only this time it was clearly children's laughter. The laughter was so full of joy that Sonny felt a kind of bliss and from the embrace around him, he knew that Rafael felt the same way.

Then there was a breath of fresh air, and the bedroom window opened abruptly, making the curtains fly. They could hear the laughter as it flew away.

"A promise of happiness..." 

"Hm?" Sonny turned in Rafael's arms to face him. 

Rafael put a tender kiss on his lips and said, "The iris means promise of happiness or don't forget to be happy."

"Oh, and what is the meaning of this red anemone?"

"Let me think...ah...meaningful for you…"

"Say it!"

"Don't give up."

"Aww...Do you think that...?"

"You remember Sonny, sometimes there's no need to explain." Rafael interrupted him, "I intend to take advantage of this chance for happiness that's been offered to me."

"Me t-"

"Don't make a hasty decision, I'm a difficult man, Sonny. And I know how easy it is to lose good things."

"I'm not easy either, you know." Sonny continued, quietly. "I work too hard. I have bad days and worse nights. I can be a grumpy little shit when something goes wrong at work. No one's ever stayed long enough to see the bad things."

"As long as we're honest with each other, Sonny, and as long as we take our time, anything's possible."

Sonny stared at Rafael with a lighter heart. They weren't going to make any big statements - even Sonny wouldn't be stupid enough to do that after a night like last night - but there was something optimistic about that morning. A quiet confidence that was settling into him, an anchor that held him down. It was warm and bright, like the glow of the winter sun, like the laughter they had heard before. Full of promise.

"All right" and he collapsed against Rafael, letting himself be carried away by the gentleness and bliss of the moment.

____

  
  


At the same time in a small cemetery not far away, the wind was making the first snowflakes swirl, and if someone had taken the time to stop and listen to the wind he would have heard a strange conversation punctuated by clear laughter.

"Say Alessandro, do you think they understood?"

"I'm sure they did, Drew. Did you see how peaceful they looked together?"

"And we left the flowers for them, so they will never forget."

"Yes, they will never forget being happy."

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to mgarner1227 for the beta reading and correction.


End file.
